Promoting Healthy Self Identity in Teenagers

 The development of a positive self-concept is crucial to healthy growth. Children with  positive self-concepts tend to be more confident, do better at education, do well independently, and are more inclined to welcome new challenges and experiences. Formation of  positive self-concepts begin in the toddler phase, when children demonstrate independence and grow confident in their abilities.

 Growth of self-concept increases through primary school, when children begin to compare themselves to others. Wen this experience is positive, children feel a sense of accomplishment and are motivated to work harder and achieve more. It is crucial at this stage that parents expose children to as many different experiences and situations as possible and provide a stable comforting environment for their children. Giving positive feedback and talking about things that hurt or have caused sadness is very important. Parents need to be present and aware of what is going on in their children's lives at every juncture.

By the time children reach their teen years, their identity is already been created. In the teen years, it is refined and solidified. Again parental presence and being active parents is crucial for this process to be successful. This is because teenagers internalize these messages - both verbal and non verbal (cues) from parental feedback. If a good relationship between parents and teens is not established, then teens rely on their peers for feedback. We all know how that can go. In light of the pandemic, many parents have expressed how their teens have been spending endless hours online, gaming or chatting with friends and have withdrawn from communicating with parents. This is a two-way street. Parents, during this pandemic have been self-consumed too.

All this must change. More than ever, family dinner, family game nights, family Whatsapp groups have become crucial to maintaining and fostering closer family bonds. It is no longer enough to go watch a movie together. The physical communication and interaction is absolutely necessary. As questions, but don't pry. Share your daily experiences, ask for opinions from your teens and sometimes, they will surprise you with solutions that you would not have considered as a "grown-up"! gugued

The early teen years are indeed plagued with  power struggles between teens and parents but understand that they are "miniature adults" testing their self identity. Do not look at it as being something negative, just because you have had a bad day or are tired. Talk to them, the way you would want your spouse or boss to speak to you... just bear in mind, "miniature adults" they are not as matured as you are! 

Set clear boundaries of what is acceptable and what is not. Stop bending the rules just because you are tired and exhausted. Be consistent. When rules are consistent and clear, life becomes easier on all ends. Another mistake made by adults when speaking to teens, is going down the " you made me sad/ upset/ angry" route. They  don't care and sometimes it was the aim to get under your skin - even if it was just for some attention! Instead say something like, " explain to me why you decided to do /act this way. I am sure you have a valid excuse and I would like to hear it." Then, accept what is said. Don't jump up and down about what is right and what is not -- they KNOW IT!!  Now, try to stay calm and neutral, and ask them questions. " Did that bring you joy or satisfaction? Do you think there might have been another way to address/ handle/ do this?" LISTEN. Wait for the answer. ACCEPT it. Now, to move forward, say something like, "perhaps you could consider this next time you are in a similar situation, so that the outcomes would be better for you and me." " What do you think?" WAIT for a response. ACCCEPT. MOVE on. Say " I was thinking of watching  xyz, care to join me?" or " I feel like a snack, want some?" "Im wondering, is there anything you and I can do together for fun? Its been a while... or maybe, you could teach me to play one of your games?" DIFFUSING the situation in a positive way, is best for both parties' mental health!

Let me know....how it goes..in the comments..